Why I Believe

Today, exactly a year ago, I officially walked away from Christianity. I first gave my heart to Jesus when I was about 10 years old, and I have taken my faith extremely seriously ever since. My faith has always been a defining part of my life and character. I have been involved in various ministries over the years, led Bible studies for the larger part of my adult life, and then I walked away from it all.

This essay is not about the how and why, however, but rather about what I experienced during this first year as a non-christian.

It is lonely, very, very lonely

The first thing worth mentioning, and probably the most serious of them all, was the realization that I am walking this path utterly alone. I grew up in the church-milieu. Family, friends and pretty much everyone I ever had a deeper than casual relationship with are Christians. It used to be quite easy and straightforward to find like-minded people to share your thoughts, concerns, pain and struggles with, and this whole support structure literally evaporated overnight. It is like moving to a foreign country, where it becomes practically impossible to communicate anything more complex than “how much for a coffee?”.

Walking away from Christianity leaves you in a position where you are dealing with the single most painful and difficult event in your life, and you are doing so completely on your own.

Music

While I was never much of a music aficionado, I really enjoyed listening to gospel music and playing a little keyboard and guitar. So when I left Christianity, I did not expect to find changing my taste in music to be such an unsettling affair. 

Using Spotify, it should be a relatively simple process to explore and find some good alternatives to the gospel music that I’ve listened to thus far, right? Well, this process turned out to be the most surprising and insightful part of the whole experience.

I started off by going through the Country music playlists, as I was already exposed to a limited range of Country music through my wife’s influence. I was shocked at how dark and jarring country music, and later I found pretty much all music genres, could be. Not the music and tunes, but the stories these songs tell.

As an example, there is this song by Reba McEntire called “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia”. It has this really catchy tune, but oh my, what a dark and unfulfilling end. It’s like, surely there must be more, a happy ending? And on and on it went, cheery tunes about really depressing topics.

Taylor Swift in Last Christmas. Let it go from Frozen. The Gambler by Kenny Rogers. Stayin Alive by the BeeGees. 

Then there were the hits that were simply nonsensical lyrics slapped together to make a song that has no meaning whatsoever. Karma Chameleon, The Look (Roxette), Scatman and Kaboemielies to just mention a few.

I soon realized that non-christian music really has very little of substance to sing about. There are love songs (where the guy gets the wife, the house and the dog) and the associated lost-love genres (where the ex-wife gets the house and the dog), and really not much else. Every so often there are some really hardcore country songs about truly sad events, like the one mentioned earlier from Reba McEntire, but other than that it is mostly sex, love and money.

I was shocked by how shallow and meaningless the whole thing is. In fact, non-christian music is, to use a proper Christianese word, quite depraved. I soon realized that the emotional pickup sold by the music industry is very much an attempt to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps.

As a non-christian, I’ve learned this truth : music was made for the primary purpose of worshiping God and telling deep stories. Sure there is a place for some good old fun and silliness (when you are too sexy for your shirt…), but I have not found non-christian music up to the task of filling the big God-shaped hole left in this part of my life. 

Along with this I also realized that I will never be able to play an instrument of any sorts again. Having done so all my life to this point in worship of God, there is really no reason for me to make music anymore.

No-one is coming

In Luke 15 there is this story of a shepherd who has 100 sheep. One day, one of them goes missing. The shepherd then leaves the 99 sheep behind to go look for this one lost sheep, and upon finding it, there is great joy and feasting.

Well, I don’t think anyone who has ever walked away from their faith has not secretly or overtly hoped this would be the case for them as well. That the Good Shepherd would come find us there where we find ourselves, utterly lost. And make no mistake about it, as anyone who has ever gotten lost on their way somewhere can attest, you know very well when you are lost.

Unfortunately, it has become very clear to me that this parable is patently false. No one is coming. No-one is looking for the missing coins. None of that seek and you shall find, knock and for you shall be opened, because I can assure you, no-one walks away from their childhood faith without vehemently knocking and asking and seeking and desperately looking for answers. 

So yeah. No good shepherd coming to find your lost ass in the wilderness.

Jesus, Protector of the Abusers

For the first few months of my journey, most of my anger and frustration was aimed at the church, since this is where all the problems started. I realized soon enough, however, that the overwhelming majority of the people in the church are just as I used to be, honest and well-meaning people trying their best to serve God as best they know how, even if this ends up being quite misguided. I most likely also have played my part in hurting some people along the way, and I have most certainly done my fair share of judging “them”. 

I realized that this problem cannot, and will not, ever be fixed, unless God somehow decides to do so. Super-christians would call this a “revival”, although I very much doubt it will be in the format that they envisage. I suspect such a revival will be less tears-and-prayers and more whip-and-chasing around the temple forecourts. Either way, being angry at the church-people is misguided. The one at fault here, is God, for His simple apathy towards the mess that is His church, His bride.

In the months leading up to my leaving Christianity, I went on a crusade against the church. I was warned by quite a few super-christians that I am looking for trouble criticizing the church, being the bride of Christ and all. Sure enough, a bit of reading up and this seems indeed to be the consensus and supported by Biblical evidence. Call me superstitious if you want, but I was quite sure that this was indeed a warning from God himself.

So this left me with an interesting perspective. While I have certainly been hurt by church people, I would not go as far as calling it abuse. There are many, many stories of people who have suffered real abuse in churches, whether it be emotional, sexual or psychological in nature. Looking for advice on the Internet on how to handle these situations, a theme soon emerged. “Go to church anyway”. “The best place to deal with these issues, is within the church”. Consider, as an example, the recent near-mess in the Baptist Church in the USA, where they are dealing with a scandal of sorts in how they handled sexual abuse cases over the years. Even so, the leadership were fighting hard to limit the scope of the investigation, and handle this internally.

So there you have it. Instead of God pouring out his wrath over sexual predators, abusers and scoundrels in His church, He advises them to repent, and the victims to forgive and return to the church, the very place of their abuse. Jesus, Protector of the Abusers.

And this is how I got to a point where my anger is no longer directed at the church, but rather at the One, the only One, who is capable of fixing this mess which He so diligently protects from outside critique at the expense of those for whom the Bible claims to care so much about. Where is the God of Isaiah 1:17 who insists that His people do good, seek justice, correct oppression, bring justice to the fatherless and plead the widow’s case? 

Conclusion

To conclude this essay, I would like to quote from a song that I’ve been introduced to shortly after leaving Christianity. It would not typically be considered a Christian song, although it is probably the most honest and no-nonsense Jesus-type song that I’ve come across, and one that very much resonates with where I currently find myself, and probably the only song of any substance in my meaningless playlist of non-christians songs.

The song is called Dear God, by Confetti. If you take the time to listen to it, a fair warning that it gets a little explicit at times. I don’t expect you to agree with the basic thesis of the song, but this song very accurately describes the place where myself and many others like myself find ourselves. Listen to it, and really, truly listen to the pain, desperation and frustration that is abundantly clear in the lyrics. Here, crying in the mud, is where you Christians will find us when one day you realize that this game you are playing is truly life or death for some of us.

“Oh dear God, wher’d you go
You haven’t been answering your phone
Not sayin’ I’m mad but, the world is f*cked up
So You should come around more”